First of all, it is so fun that i wrote the title this big and im liking how its filling the whole pc screen. is it also a sin that seeing the screen like this im feeling like my heart is full of it. Then again if i think,its a sin. its a SIN.
Sadly the title is not only main topic here. Here's the main topic is my brain and my hand. My brain will think and my hands will type. We will write a poetryyy~~
in definition,social anxiety is - "Social anxiety disorder is a common type of anxiety disorder. A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others." It's a very accurate and interesting definiton.
In one mark Manson's book i kinda adored the line - 'chronic anxiety is a crisis of hope. It is the fear of failed failure.' this one entece literally shook me in 2024 that i pinned the line on a paper on wall. what is hope to me? a ball of positivity that screams while circling, "everything is okayy,everything good, you are doing good",or im starved to hear from other that im 'good'.
but i was doing good all the time. i remembered i had this wish that at least someone unknown acknowledge that i got depression and that year one senior,with whom i befriended over writing letter. she said how x (another junior of her) depression can be seen just by seeing her. but my depression is soundly mix up. if i dont show,there's nothing. At that time i felt victorious, afterwards i felt guilt that i felt victorious. What i am proud of?
- that no one can see that im so broken to pieces that it's prcatically impossible to mend me with liquid golds?
- that im so good at hiding in plain sights?
- that no matter how close you are to me, its on me that how close you are?
- that im the best person at creating mirages i have ever seen in my eternity years?
- that im so good at deceiving people?
susuru : ray,who are deceiving? people? or yourself?
i like creating things, i say that to everyone. i like creating poetry, story plots and not writing or storing, i like finding stories that ill not read, i like making videos or editing videos. i like to ponder on things then move from one topic to another. i like thinking how in so many ways im not lovable or a menance.
susuru : can someone's existence be menance if they never ever been themeselves?
I am the Tree. And my fig are constantly building and breaking down. im the one who is sitting beneath the tree and im the one who is the tree and im also the figs and im the earth too.